I cannot live like this but I don't have any other option than to keep on hoping to get a little something from you. A call, a letter, an encounter here in this world that now seems too big for us.
I askwhy this happened and why it happened this way, and I try to grab the good of it: my being alive, my feelings, my hopes, my joy and sadness; your existence somewhere, your thinking about me, your wanting me, your wanting to be good for me.
But still I need you, still I need your eyes watching me, devouring me with questions you don't ask, still I need the hope of seeing you, still I need to have your caring and the promises you never ever though
And now that I don't have that, today I simply feel I cannot live
We are like those who need love as they need the air they breath, yet although it might be denied to us, as we would have liked it, it still is a vague phantom that walks nearby,- impossible to grab, impossible to dream of, impossible to hope that one night it will hold you-.
I wonder if I'm choosing this as it is now instead of what I could have, but I cannot lie to my heart, and I cannot act as if we both- my heart and me-were two different things and can walk two different paths. I need to feel I love you even if I cannot. it seems I love you even if I should not. I need to feel it, and accept it, and embrace it even if I cannot have you. I need to understand that that is me, and that as long as I need you I should not fight you, or try to forget you or try to replace you. There is no one else but you
But also, I understand that if I want to live, I need to learn to let it go as it was once in my heart, because you will never be mine and I will never be yours as I once dreamed I would be
Yet, knowing me, I rather be half alive with the though of you than half dead without you as I surely would be if I didn't have the hope of finding you again and be in your arms once more
Jo Sanders
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