MY TOM

The Beginning

So I was supposed to deliver a bottle of our most famous rum- Zacapa Centenario to this guy,my son in law’s uncle.  I called , I called again, left a message. I called again, no answer. Began to feel kind of bothered. "jeez this is our Rum?  Finally I guy with the strangest voice calls, apologizing.  He kind of mumbles the words so I panic! I don’t understand a word the guy is saying.  He will think Im an idiot!! And Im not...He will think I can’t understand a word in English. He senses my confusion, changes to Spanish. Even worse...Anyway, he apologizes ( good!) he explain he is not in Atlanta...mmmmm...he then says he will call next week. Alright dude   Ill wait with the bottle where it has been standing for more than 4 months!  He calls in a week. Its nine thirty! he would like to come and get the bottle...But im in bed! and I look dreadful and although Im not interested, I do look dreadful so patiently I explain... Im a chicken, I go to bed at 8; maybe next time?  But between courteous lines we have establish a nice funny mischievousness communication.. So he calls next week, after at least 4 what’s I understand that he feels bad for not picking it up earlier and he wants to invite me to dinner. I know he is safe, besides, I put forward the usual line… “the Department of State ...”.yet Im curious already, so I google him and find a nice picture with some info regarding what he does.  I read two lines, dont understand any, so I don’t read more...I tease him a little more.  I text him: I just want you to know that I eat a lot and I weigh 400 pounds. 

And so he comes, takes me to dinner.  Quietly I observe him and see how serene he is.  And so, we star dating after that first dinner, he finds out ways to call or to invite me. I find ways to text 

Little by little we begin to like the other, but nobody gives in an inch...may because we both have been hurt?  Until one night.  He invites me for the first time to his place and I accept.  I know Im safe- the Department of State stuff- and of course the opinion this uncle has of his friend ."He is  a very good guy"

So I go.  I offer to bring the best salad in the world because unfortunately, thats all I really know how to cook -which is not cooking I know-, so ok, the only thing that I don’t burn because it never reaches the stove or the oven. So I bring it.  I’m nervous. I prepare the salad there and he kind of bluntly –at least for me and my petulant beliefs of being a princess- states:  I don’t like arugula (what the heck am I supposed to do then? ) So with dignity,  I keep preparing the best salad in the world. I feel like walking out of there with the face of an ice queen.  

His place is nice. Im impressed I have to tell. I can easily get lost there.  Im trying not to become too impressed , to the point of not being me.  It is just a house.  A BIG house.  He takes me to the basement where we play pool and ping pong.  My very first step of a long road of losing begins..

After dinner he  talks about my getting another boyfriend, about my getting married again after at least two hours of talking about his ex and his swearing never to marry again.  I GET IT , I get it ( i was not counting on you marrying me, did I look like that!?? gosh I’m ashamed of myself! )

So when it is prudent and dignified, I say good- by ...THERE, there I get my first glimpse of triumph, he looks at me totally surprised and somehow worried  and moves fast to my side.  He holds me and gives me my first kiss.

What a surprise that kiss is;  he is warm and soft, and sweet and without my really knowing that that I waited for long, is finding its way.

So it’s already December, its December the second, I have been dining with him for about 2 months and here he is kissing me and I am responding very enthusiastically to the kiss,. Am I still safe?  

And worse, in two weeks he leaves for Costa Rica, he has been talking about this, and the trip with his family and what would happen then with this sunrise of ours.  Hummm, and then, little Anika decides to come earlier and the very same day,  we are both in the airport- he running trying to catch his plane, me running trying to avoid seeing him with his children.  What if they find me awful??!!- Anyway, I jump into my plane and he doesn’t reach me.  And off I go to Guate, and off he goes to Costa Rica.

But oh man! the longing is weird.  For me so many exciting news, a grandma, Im a grandma!, it can be, Im still an adolescent. Yet there's my child having a little girl.  Im all by myself, Alex my ex is there with his own girlfriend, I’m pissed off, this is my girl, but at the same time, I’m so glad for him. Maybe he will be happy with her. And meanwhile my heart travels fast to where he is, wondering if he thinks about this grandma,  with the arugula salad, and her jumping into planes.

We write each night, sometimes each mornings, by writing we show more of what we have never shown…one day I say, come and next Im getting a copy of his plane ticket to Guatemala.  

Im driving to the airport ,  Im so nervous, what am I doing for goodness sake?  ..and he is there and I jump out of the car and he holds me, and there is nothing else.  We went to Antigua, and what has been there for always becomes from being beautiful to being magical and I feel there's good in the world. It is now then when I began to see the person Im with.  

Also I begin to see how unfit I am, gosh I can’t even climb the hill to get to the restaurant where there is food and I am indeed craving for food, but the little hill is so but soo steep Im nauseous and he cannot ,should no,t better not see it.  He sees it. He, kind matter of factual –again- states that he is concerned with my being unfit..< I might not be able to do with him all the things he likes to do... like skiing (are you serious) hiking, playing tennis... >Gosh man, I was ballet dancer and a teacher for goodness sake!!!!!!... secretly I wish the restaurant has only arugula for breakfast.

So the three most perfect days passed and I find a friend and a lover in his arms but he has to go and I have to stay

I took him to the airport already longing for his warmth and we say good bye.  That night we are talking about new possibilities to find each other.  He then says Costa Rica.  Would I meet him there? Of course I would! How come not? But still the constant voice pinches my fears… can I dive into love?? So I asked my mom daughter for advice, she, generous as she is, says, Mom - you never have had chances like this, go, he is a good person.

Costa Rica

I want to have a dozen chocolates in my purse.  What If I don’t find him... what If I go hungry???  Im not prepare for this.  The plane cannot accept any more passengers.  The seats are occupied with my “what if's”.... and they are aggressive. This is a place where I have never gone in many senses, but I’m not walking backwards.  I go to the other airport and there I realize the true meaning of his question:  and my answer,..but God these are not little planes!!!. These are planes where Beatriz might die!  Yet I jump into it. Trying  to keep my dress modestly close to my legs and trying to no avail  to NOT look ridiculous as I sure look while trying to sit in the 6 passenger plane.  A roller coaster in the atmosphere no? Great!

I arrive and there we meet.  I see him and there are no doubts,  I trust him with my entire self and there's nothing more to it.

We come to his beautiful beautiful, beautiful amazing house.. .God I want a bed like that for my house, and a pool like that, and a couch like that, and a fountain, and yes of course I can swim with you to the island that looks so far away from this balcony, of course I can, I just wonder how  remains repatriation is done form Costa Rica to Guatemala.

Im swimming, he is swimming too, we are even, he swims as good as I, is he having this tiny thousand pinches all over his body? God they hurt like hell!  they sting, they Oh my God I think they are Jelly fish- baby jelly fish but still. It hurts… Im a champ, I dont say much, Im good, Im still good after 2 hours of swimming... Are there white  sharks-killer white great sharks in Costa Rica- what is wrong with me??????!!! Im a grandma and I have three daughters that need me! And a consulate that I like very much..and my bed, which is cozy.  I want it now!

So the next day is paddling- I wont go there... I would just say, I might have seemed like a crazy old hen over a board trying to paddle against the wind after following him against the body guard advice! No, Im not saying a word...then, some hiking…a hike where he graciously states again that if we ever have a relation……?????????? What the heck?? IF? Do you know a killer word? Well IF is a killer word!

God I have never hiked  hill after hill, after  hill so fast...what in the world is where I am then?? He now is my Dolphin, I call him Dolphin ... and Im thinking I would rather have a Tuna.  Tunas might be more diplomatic...and considerate. But my baby, it is impossible, simply impossible to have an argument with him ever. He looks hurt for me, he comes close to me and at dinner he moves his chair closer and closer so that there isn’t any space left between us.

He lets me know more about him, and I fall totally in love with him… because you see, I really don't know anything about his power which seems to be impressive, all I know is that he is the most humble person I ever known and goodness seems to flow from him  where ever he is-- 

One morning he has me in his arms and he says that maybe I’m not real, that maybe he is not something special, that maybe there have been many like him…tears begin to run from my eyes and I sweetly tell him the truth. I’m leaving my granddaughter and the daughter I never see because I want to be with HIM.  He has hurt me deeply, but  I love him already so much and I understand his fears because they are a mirror of my own.

Besides that, for a 5  24 hour- day together, I cannot believe I’m this lucky.  Here I am with a guy that might buy a piece of Alaska if he wants- and he does- but truth is he is a simple good sweet man who wants to be with me

We have fun and we learn more and more, and everything I learn although not all easy to digest I take as part of him.  

Again another airport, I have to go back to my girls, he has to go back to his life...and another goodbye and much more longing.

One day and a half and he is there waiting for me at Hartsfield.  It is cold in Atlanta, and the restaurant where we stop for dinner gest warm with our joy for being together.  Its January and another year is beginning

So Atlanta embraces us as if it had been waiting for us, everything slides so naturally, here we are with our many things to do, always looking, always reaching to always finding that warmth that has been placed there for our peace.

I see him walking quietly, I speak too much, he speaks very little, I take myself very seriously, he mocks me all the time, He is the most humble, I’m the most vain... he is the most devoted, I’m the most uncaring, I live thinking about tomorrow, he takes advantage of today,  but somehow the value of our ways of being, is given to the other just to enrich us.  And how much we enjoy that. We become pieces that fit naturally perfect in this puzzle of life that we have already spent probably most of it. Time and what remains of it seems so little, and fearful of what the future might bring,  we fiercely embrace the other  hoping that nothing will harm us.

Argentina
Although one of his many coming trips was apparently not for me- and this is a pending I will keep for a little longer- one day he just comes and asks me to go to Argentina.  A bike trip in Bariloche.  Are you serious again? I cannot do that! I mean, to go with your entire company and bike for hours and hours???! What will become of my touchies? Besides that, these people...maybe they won’t be nice to me... I dont want to fight fights that aren’t mine...or at least weren’t mine…

But how come would I say no??? I need to have every single instant I can spend with him and there I go again

What would my mom say? I better not tell her,  better not.  Better think that this is happening for a reason

Of course there are some trials from my past, some calls, some recriminations and some temptations, empty promises, some threatens, some fear -seeds well placed in my mind...but I have to trust my guts and they are saying, “Vuela Vuela...”

We go to Buenos Aires and immediately we both fall in love with the people, impossible to say here what we saw and lived there.  But we are young again, we are striving for a chance and we know we are having it.  Between wine and buildings,   learning and teaching, some mornings we stay just talking and listening hearing the other’s words painting the life we lived through all these years where we weren’t there... Some questions can be asked, some others not, but again, everything seems fine and inside my heart emerges a steady sweet tenderness for my pijuil- dolphin  filling my entire chest. He wants to go dancing, he wants to go the gym, to  go weight lifting, to walk to la Boca, and he seems so in love:

"I’m totally yours, you can ask me whatever you want, all I have is yours baby!!” , he exclaims every now and then looking me with true eyes and I believe him, pondering if I could ever take advantage of such power.

 So next morning I ask.  I say: “ I don’t want to walk anymore, Im tired already, We haven’t even began biking and Im demolished, please let’s take a cab! You said Ijust need to ask for anything and I will get it.  So please, I don’t want to walk anymore!”  He looks at me with perplexity and when I realize what is going on,  he is actually counting the blocks we will have to walk to get to La Boca.  OH MY GOODNESS, he meant it but he knows better uh?

All right so I trolled after him like an obedient puppy although he magnificently calls me Mi Leona...Leona, me? sure!

We met the rest of the party and we are off to Bariloche.  He doesn’t change, he is as sweet and as caring and demanding as he has been and I have never been this happy.  Each morning we spent hours talking and talking just learning about the other and it is never enough. There I told him about my day being he force that placed the strength that has sustained my over all these years, about how much he spoiled me in some senses and about how strict he was regarding food forcing me to eat brains- his favorite dish!.  

The frist biking day is a disaster! I vain as I am, come out with my special helmet that completes my gear.  He starts laughing like crazy, he even dares to beg me not to use such a thing.  He wons  I felt really awful.  So we jump into the bikes and this bike of mine is a rebel.  The wheel is different, a stubborn wheel and God I know Im gonna be in trouble.  Very soon Im off the bike pushing it over the hills.  Everybody is gonne.  Im singing Shell be coming round the Mountains admiring the surroundings.  Just before the first Mirador he comes back for me and gives me the tip: You have to put the gear in one one. So jump ( he doesn’t say it but I know he wants me to actually bike so I won’t feel ashamed) but the thing is that I don’t feel ashamed, I feel pissed off, Im not accomplishing it and it is obvious! But I wont follow his advice, it probably will make me look even worse!  Nevertheless, not once did I jump in the rescuing van.  Not once.  We end the biking experience and I did what I was supposed to do. My first 50 kms with some very stubborn hills.  I did it for him.  But I won too. That is his beauty.

One night in a very fancy restaurant, with a very fancy kind of waiter, I put a delicious bite of heaven in my mouth,..  As it is melting I turn to him and ask: what is this? ( the restaurant is one of those that present different dishes that are explained before taken to the table and as usual, I got disconnected after the first explanation) so baby what is this I asked rolling my eyes and he responds with a devilish look in his eyes: Brains!  I almost spit it! And then I got it.  Oh I would eat them to see that grin in his face again.

So the place captures us, we dance, we make love, we eat, we exercise, we talk, we learn more  And everything is good. Life is good.  But I know deep inside that for this love the only thing I really need is his arms and the way he looks at me. And I know if he was asked, he would say the same.   

Between kayaking and hiking and biking I come to know his people and through them I come to know him better.  I feel that allt he goodness that I have given is now return to me, I feel that all the goodness that a man can have, is in his heart to give.  This is the man that having an empire built with his own mind, and being really aware of how lucky he is,  would stop to offer a ride to a stranger in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere after asking me if Im ok with it! All I see is a good soul and I had been chosen to walk along with him  for a period of time.  How long I don’t know but May I do it with wisdom and generosity.

Sometimes I wonder if I am infatuated.  I know Im not in a stage of life where people gets infatuated, but you have seen I sometimes act as if I were 16! So…. Im concerned with the whole infatuation thing. So easy to get there, and so easy too for it to dissolve into nothing…yet I know that it is not so  because I see what he is-stubborn and  demanding. I see his white hair, his wrinkles around his eyes, his  youth- strength beginning to abandon him; I imagine the mistakes he could have made, mistakes that are prone to be made again..and yet, I want to be with him. I long to share what is there within and I long to be a better person for him.

Its time to go back.  To go different paths since we have been together has never been easy but this time it really hurts.  Although we feel a little as if we need some space,  the moment we realize we aren’t going to be awakened by the others breath, it strikes hard.  I need him, and he needs me.  But it is not the time yet.

Life has never been more valued but it feels  time seems not enough. 

My Tom is joy in each smile and little grin, wisdom in each word, integrity in each action as there is strength in each muscle, he is generosity in each word, he  is striving for his loved ones in each action he takes, he  is taking advantage of each opportunity to be a better person..he is dreaming and achieving.  I never ever though someone like him existed.

But he does and he has found me.  For what I still don’t know the reason why,  he believes in me. 

So I take his hand and look deeply  into his eyes and I walk where he leads.


Beatriz Illescas

What I like about Him

I like his silence... the moments where it seemed we were standing still in time and where- what was on our minds was not relevant because at the end, what it would be, would be

I like the way he listened without watching ...but seeing

I like his few words, stated with dignity, wisdom, care and respect.

I like the vulnerability that he didn't want to show but which still was there

I like his sense of humor, bold, raw, conspicuous but hardly definable

I like the way he plays his game, barely giving up, never yielding; yet always ready to bring me closer

I like his voice soft and strong at the same time;

I like what he doesn't say but struggles to withhold...

I like his being independent but also the sweet surrender that he places from time to time in hope

I like the way he ignores my questions never making me feel ignored

I like his patience and his understanding and how with so little he shows me

I like the way he sees through me, maybe wondering, maybe pondering, silently learning,and confidently accepting

I like the lightness of his touch and the intensity of his gaze, the strength at the tip of his fingers and the soft kisses he gives me

I like the way he lives his time and I like his laughter, always spontaneous, a little mischievous and so filled with joy

I like what his wrinkles tell and what his sights reveal

I like the rich texture of caramel and milk that our skins develop together and the wild sensations that his touch unfolds

I love his presence in my life and the longing and pain this presence swiped away from me

I like the way he smells, the way he tastes, and the way he stares at me. I liked the mystery and the endless possibilities that came with him, I like the dreams untold even unsought that have become true with us and I like all that it seemed I learn just by being by his side ..

May we have the time to take each other as what we trully are

May us have the wisdom to build firmly 

and to face the storms that we might find

May we share the tenderness to hold each other

as the treasure we can be

May us have the understanding to realize

there is a past but more than that,  a future

May us be honest enough

to truly love the other

as the other needs to be loved

but more than anything

if this is to be 

may we persevere

to make us solid true
B illescas